Feeling
by Shuichi Saito
Summary: Magnus Bane didn't do feelings. Feelings were worthless, feelings hurt, and feelings brought you nothing but misery in the future. Yet he was willing to take that chance for Alexander Lightwood. AU Fanfiction. Major Malec alert!


**Just a little ficlet I wrote a while ago and found it just before I was going to delete my computer's recycling bin – I'm very glad I found it before deleting it. I edited a few parts and this is what it turned out like.  
Warnings: Mentions of sex (No details) and a make-out scene. **

Magnus bane, above all, is eccentric.

He's eccentric, spontaneous and has the attention span of a puppy. He likes his coffee with sugar and milk. He likes his apartment to be eclectic. And he likes his lovers exuberant and larger than life. His favourite day is Saturday where he's able to lay on his bed and relax while his cat stretches across his stomach. His least favourite day is Wednesday – Why? Because the local boutique closes three hours early on that day for reasons that Magnus doesn't know. Overall, Magnus is carefree and values the complexity of art, he likes spending hours putting together outfits that makes him stand out from the mundane, boring life and he certainly doesn't like following the crowd and blending in.

And none of that changes today, as he steps into his favourite coffee shop and is overwhelmed by the warm, nutty scent which seems to float around the room and instantly calms his mind. _Yes_, Magnus Bane thinks as he orders an iced, caramel infused blend which claims to be new_, Today is going to be just like yesterday, I'll order my coffee, I'll drink it, and then I'll do a spot of shopping before doing some windowshopping on . _

Of course, today, had to be the day when his rather important shopping day is postponed for tomorrow.

Why?

Because Magnus Bane is a slave to his hormones. That's why.

He chooses the table across the room to him, close enough that he's able to observe him, but far enough that he doesn't come across as a creepy stalker. And of course this mysterious man has to choose the table when the morning light is filtering through the window, which only serves in lighting up his face and making those eyes sparkle in such a way that Magnus is spellbound. His hair is ink blank and it hangs over his pale, slightly flushed face, while his tired bottle blue eyes scan the papers that are spread around the table in front of him. Magnus wants to look away, he wants to walk out the coffee shop, ignore the badly dressed and albeit, attractive stranger and pick up someone hot at a club and spend the rest of the evening sharing hurried, frenzied and meaningless kisses.  
Magnus doesn't do feelings, he doesn't get romantically involved with his latest partner; they're merely friends with benefits or one night stands. But this stranger, this man who looks completely adorable in his scuffed, too-big jumper and unflattering jeans has caught his attention and there's something about the way he sips at his black coffee with an expression of half bliss, half debilitation that's caught Magnus's eye and he doesn't dare look away.

One cookie, two more cups of coffee and a glass of water later the handsome stranger sighs, packs up his bag and leaves without a single glance in Magnus's direction. Magnus leans back on his chair and makes a mental list of why he just spent a good part of his day in a coffee shop, when there are numerous boutiques and makeup stands that are just waiting for him to come along. He comes up with nothing, and pursing his lips he leaves the café only to find it's raining and he chose to wear non-waterproof eyeliner today.

It's another 17 days and three hours when he next sees the man again. He's in his local library browsing the beauty section when someone approaches him, and asks in a deep, smooth voice if he needs help with anything. Magnus is definite it's the same person, the same hard jawline, the same unruly hair, the same piercing blue eyes that leave him breathless. He really needs to tell him that, he's fine – he doesn't need any help. But part of him wants this beautiful, shy stranger to stay with him a little longer. There's a fluttering feeling in his chest he hasn't had in a long, _long _time and it's both scary and pleasant at the same time.

But, Magnus Bane doesn't do feelings. Feelings are worthless, feelings hurt, feelings bring you nothing but misery in the future. So he refuses "No" he says "I'm fine". The stranger purses his lips and looks at him in a way that should be illegal, before leaving and disappearing back to the main desk. It's then that Magnus decides that it's best if he ignores that stranger's existence and go back to his comfortable and safe routine.

The next morning he sobs into his pillow, the man he picked up was lovely, he was kind, caring and they even had a cup of chai and a pleasant conversation before he left. Normally he liked the feeling of waking up satisfied; he liked the warm tingling feeling that spread across his skin, he liked the way the harsh kisses left pink bruises on his skin. But his heart ached and for the first time since he could remember, he thought about what it would be like to have sex with someone who cared about him, to wake up next to a warm body, to share the trivial 'I love you' as they ate in the clichéd, romantic restaurants. Magnus grew up in a dysfunctional family, his father despised his very existence and the only person he loved, his mother, had taken her very own life and displayed her warped, dangling body on the porch of their house. People you loved always got taken away from you, feelings were  
useless.

"I hate you" The words had come so sudden, so quick, that Magnus had chocked on his coffee. Fate has a funny way of working out – Doesn't it? He was sat in the same café he'd first seen that beautiful, attractive, and very much shy stranger. And now that said stranger was stood next to his table, palms flat on the top, eyes burning with an intensity that made everything else around him wither away so it was only the two of them, staring into each other's eyes desperately.

"I hate you so much" He repeats, his voice is strained and thick with emotion "We don't even know each other and I can't get you out of my head" Magnus remains speechless, his throat is dry and his chest is almost painfully tight "I'm not gay" The stranger blurts, his eyes are shimmering and Magnus is suddenly aware of how desperate this man was "I'm not gay and yet I can't stop thinking about you. Why?"

The sleeves of his jumper are too long and they fall down to his knuckles, his bag is battered and worn and his eyes are so very blue. So blue, framed by thick, black lashes which clung together with the remains of tears which –along with the slight pink hue around the waterline- indicated that he had been crying not that long ago. And Magnus didn't know if it was the tense atmosphere, or the way his whole being was burning at the proximity of their bodies. But when he grabbed the front of the strangers shirt and pulled him down so their lips connected, his mind exploded in a frenzy.

The sensible part of his mind was screaming, telling him that this man was so unlike the people he normally goes for, telling him that harbouring feelings for him was just going to end out in heartbreak and failure. But the other part of mind was clouded by the feeling of his lips moving against the man's sweet, yet at the same time pleasantly chapped, lips. They pulled apart, and Magnus's hated the way his breath came out slightly raspy, the man was looking at him with confusion – his lips red and cheeks blushing. And then he turned away fiercely, chocking out an "I have to go" and practically ran from the café. Magnus exhaled and closed his eyes, his mouth still tingling, and tried not to think about how much of an idiot he was. He gave into his desires, he allowed himself to get caught up in his feelings, but worse of all; he forcibly kissed that beautiful, attractive strange who was no doubt, confused about his sexuality.

They bumped into each other a few times, once at the supermarket and the rest of times at the library where this stranger worked. Magnus briefly thought ago going to another nearby library, but the one he went to was the one that had the most extensive beauty section – and it was downright cowardly to avoid going to places because he kissed him at the café. Magnus had done a lot worse with a lot stupider.

Their eyes met occasionally, amber and blue, but they were fleeting glances and they promptly turned in the other direction. Yet at the same time Magnus couldn't help but get a little thrill when he could feel his eyes on him. It was a slippery slope. A double edged sword. Magnus Bane didn't do feelings and it was obvious that this stranger wasn't used to doing guys. But at much as he wanted to continue with his nice, peachy life where he shopped, laughed, smoked and had sex with random people from the bar – he craved the attention of the blue eyed beauty, and it was specifically him who he was interested in, other black haired men didn't make his pulse race and hands go clammy –Which was disgusting, by the way, there's nothing nice about having clammy hands-.

Strangely enough, it was in the seated area of the library when they next met. It was in a nice secluded area of the library, hidden by the computer section that hardly anyone ever went to, and given the fact it was near closing time the area around him was peacefully quiet. The sunlight was filtering in through the blind behind him and spreading a golden glow which illuminated the pages of the Vogue magazine.

"Hello" Magnus looked up, it was him. Him with his irresistible blue eyes and shoddy clothing, he looked slightly apprehensive and gingerly wetted his lower lip with his tongue, but there was a certain light in his eyes that made Magnus pause. He carried himself better, shoulders back and arms folded in front of him, there was a tinge of determination and happiness on his face that was so unlike the scared person that fled from the café after their last meeting.

"Hi" Magnus breathed, his smirked a little "I thought you were making it your life's purpose to ignore my very existence"

He approached in and stood in front of him, there was a look on his face that clearly said 'Like-You-Weren't-Doing-The-Same' and it made Magnus smile, a genuine, happy smile that lit of his exotic features. The other paused to look outside, before turning those blue eyes to Magnus's "I came out to my parents yesterday" he said, Magnus nodded thoughtfully "How did it go?" He questioned, he distantly remember how his father acted when he came out to him, least to say it wasn't pleasant.

The not-so-stranger hummed "My siblings claimed that they always knew" he said "My mother seems fine with it, just like her normal stoic self, but my father seems less than pleased"

Magnus reached out and placed a comforting hand on the other man's arm who seemed to lean into the contact. And after a moments silence Magnus grabbed the front of his shirt in the same fashion he did in the café not that long ago, and pulled him down so their lips connected. They didn't pull apart, and Magnus could feel the heat that emitted from the mans flushed cheeks, Magnus bit his lower lip teasingly and the other man gasped; Magnus chose the opportunity to slide his tongue into his mouth and cup that strong jaw in his hands. The other man edged forward, and half leant on the chair over the eccentric teen, his hands gripped his shoulders in an effort to steady himself while Magnus pressed his lips harder against the others inexperienced mouth. Magnus was then struck by the fact that he was making out with a newly outed teen in a library and he pulled away slowly, eyeing the others kiss-swollen lips and the way his cheeks glowed.

"Magnus Bane" He said, the other laughed a little and pulled away, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand "Hi…um…Alexander Lightwood, call me Alec though" Magnus knew he never would, Alexander just flowed off his tongue and sounded simply beautiful.

Magnus then smiled, he was touched by Alexander's choice in informing him he'd come out, but he was more than pleased by the rather nice kissing that went on. He's never felt this way while hooking up with his latest conquest at the bar, there were no feelings, it was merely kissing and touching but with Alexander it was different. He was aware that he felt himself staring at him, he was aware that his heart was pumping violently against his chest and he was certainly aware that he was attracted to Alexander Lightwood.

"I know this will be weird" Magnus began "Since we've kind of done this the other way round" He raised his eyes to meet Alexander's "But would you like to join me for dinner somewhere when you've finished your shift?"

Alexander smiled, hesitantly, but it was a shy smile doubled up with the fact he started playing with the hem of his jumper "That" he started "That sounds nice"

Magnus Bane didn't do feelings. Feelings were worthless, feelings hurt, and feelings brought you nothing but misery in the future. Yet he was willing to take that chance for Alexander Lightwood.


End file.
